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Week 1: "From Hostility to Hospitality"
Go back to: General discussion
Our first discussion is based on William Ury's TED talk, "The Walk from 'No' to 'Yes.'"
You are invited to share your reactions to Ury's talk by responding to this thread. Following are discussion questions to help get things started - you are welcome to respond to these or post your own questions and ideas.
- On Ury's diagram of the sides of conflict, the "third side" encircles both the other two sides. Why is this? How does this relationship contribute to the success of the "third side" in conflict resolution?
- Ury says "the role of the third side is to help the parties go to the balcony." What does this mean to you? Can you think of a real-life example where you saw this idea in action?
- Ury says "stories matter." How do you think that stories can affect conflict, both positively and negatively? Why?
- In his talk, Ury talks about the difference between face-to-face confrontation and shoulder-to-shoulder communication. How does physical positioning impact the emotional/communicative dynamics of relationships?
- How can you go "from hostility to hospitality" in regard to conflicts in your own life?
- How does the Abrahamic walk create change within communities? What are other symbolic gestures that can positively impact relations?
•On Ury's diagram of the sides of conflict, the "third side" encircles both the other two sides. Why is this? How does this relationship contribute to the success of the "third side" in conflict resolution?
-> Since the Third Side represents the community surrounding the sides of the conflict, the implication is that there are usually people who are not as connected to the issue as the "sides" at odds with each other. Because they are not directly connected to the issue but are in some way connected to the sides, they will have at least some understanding of the conflict from a more objective point of view. This objectivity allows for a less emotionally attached approach to resolution. Since emotion can very often be the tipping point from rational to irrational discussion, it is fairly obvious that this objectivity allows the community to offer more impartial advice.
•Ury says "the role of the third side is to help the parties go to the balcony." What does this mean to you? Can you think of a real-life example where you saw this idea in action?
-> As mentioned above, going to the balcony is getting outside of the attachment of any particular issue and looking at it objectively or, better yet, laterally. Emotions tend to be my biggest hook during a debate. When discussing sometime passionate I can sometimes close my mind to alternatives and possibilities. Usually, if I am passionate about a thing, it means that a large amount of energy has already been invested in reaching my opinion about it, so letting go can be difficult. In a way, the Western legal system has been based on this concept. This is especially true when a defendant is being tried by a "jury of their peers". In this example the judgement of a single person is not held sacrosanct and binding, it is recognized that some decisions need to be addressed by a group of random people from the community.
•Ury says "stories matter." How do you think that stories can affect conflict, both positively and negatively? Why?
->While have objectivity is hugely beneficial to conflict resolution, the third side needs context in order to offer advice or potential solutions. Stories can provide the context for a conflict. This would be a positive element. The other side of this coin is that the stories of one side or the other are so compelling parts or all of the third side become connected. At this point objectivity may be compromised and instead escalation may occur.
•In his talk, Ury talks about the difference between face-to-face confrontation and shoulder-to-shoulder communication. How does physical positioning impact the emotional/communicative dynamics of relationships?
->The act of being side by side helps remove the "us and them" feeling of being face to face. If we are traveling in the same direction, perhaps at some unconscious level we are reminded that humanity binds us all. Whether we are of a specific ethnicity, class or gender we are all first and foremost human beings. This again is a double edged sword. Our genetic heritage provides us with clues to our predatory history. One of these markers is the placement of our eyes. In general, eyes placed forward on an animal denotes hunter versus the eyes of prey being farther apart to allow a wider field of vision to detect threats. Making direct eye contact in the wild is often seen as a challenge. I most certainly believe most of us are beyond simple biological reflex when it comes to conflict. During times of heightened stress and emotion these instincts can get the better of us and lead us down unproductive paths.
Other forms of physical position have been known to create problems in negotiations. Even things as simple as making sure everybody sits at the same level helps to subliminally ensure that nobody seems to have an elevated status by sitting above others. Another example is the round table approach. It is harder to think of sides when there is only one side to the table.
•How can you go "from hostility to hospitality" in regard to conflicts in your own life?
->I find that practicing objectivity outside of conflict situations really helps to find a balcony seat when a conflict arises. This can come in many forms such as meditaion, analysis of other people's conflict scenarios, instrospection and reflection. By practicing and actively thinking about how to apply objectivity it comes more naturally when the chips are down. Another key element is recognizing when objectivity is slipping away. This comes in the form of constant self-monitoring and analysis. For example, when my ears get red during a debate, it is a sure sign for me that something has triggered me emotionally and I need to take a break.
•How does the Abrahamic walk create change within communities? What are other symbolic gestures that can positively impact relations?
-> Because the story is so inspirational and has such historical significance, it can give people a distraction from what may seem petty by comparison. It unifies people in a common goal and helps remind us that we are really all just on a journey together.
One symbol that is fairly ubiquitous is the handshake. Often when world leaders get together to tackle very contentious issues, they will kick of the session with a very public handshake greeting. This can be seen as a way to say that even though we are at odds, at least we can be congenial.
Thanks for your thoughtful response, Trevor! I like how you shared reflections on your own experience in debate. You make a good point about the third side providing some element of objectivity, but the third side is also key in that it has a relationship to both parties, and will tend to desire an outcome that is favorable to both.
On Ury's diagram of the sides of conflict, the "third side" encircles both the other two sides. Why is this? How does this relationship contribute to the success of the "third side" in conflict resolution?
While we are not directly involved as parties of the conflict, it also matters to us as we are all part of the human race. We will be somewhat affected by it too, just like how many countries are affected by the change in oil price during the war between US and Iraq.
By being the third side helps in resolving conflict resolution because:
1) The hatred is not towards you. They can talk more calmly with you and reveal their problems and concerns that they had with the other party.
2) By being an "outsider" you are acting in the interest of the community. To resolve the conflict. Not to help 1 party or the other.
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Ury says "the role of the third side is to help the parties go to the balcony." What does this mean to you? Can you think of a real-life example where you saw this idea in action?
By going to the balcony, I think it means to help the parties think about things from a 3rd person view and not by their own view. When they are thinking of things from a more neutral perspective, they tend to see a new approach to solve a problem like how we see the problems of 17 camels are solved by just adding 1 more camel to the equation.
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Ury says "stories matter." How do you think that stories can affect conflict, both positively and negatively? Why?
We often need to know the context on how some things happened from both sides. By knowing the story, we can better identify the root of the problem.
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In his talk, Ury talks about the difference between face-to-face confrontation and shoulder-to-shoulder communication. How does physical positioning impact the emotional/communicative dynamics of relationships?
Well, when we are face to face with each other when we are already angry. Looking straight at each other could only intensify our anger. Especially when one showed an angry face staring at you, which make you feel inferior and the need to "fight back" to maintain your pride.
However while we are walking, shoulder to shoulder, we are first distracted by ourself walking, and less focus on the other person facial expressions.
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How can you go "from hostility to hospitality" in regard to conflicts in your own life?
Well, this is an area I'm pretty bad in. I think sometimes if I am only representing myself and a conflict happened which is not big, I might choose to take the bitter pill and just said that I'm sorry, I'm wrong even though I might not feel that way.
However if I am thinking/representing the interest of a community, I cannot simply say sorry as I represent a group of people. In those cases I think when we got into conflicts, I need to decide on how important it is, what are the areas we can compromise, and what are the areas we cannot compromise at all from my side. Sometime what I would do is to suggest a break and let time heal things while we both think about things on our own quietly for about a week.
But sometimes the opposition (which can be the majority say 2 people vs you 1 person) chose not to give any form of break and want you to crack under their demands. Using the "majority wins" rule against you. This is what I find hard to handle.
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How does the Abrahamic walk create change within communities? What are other symbolic gestures that can positively impact relations?
Abraham walk is special in a sense that it enables him to meet all kind of people, people who are otherwise ignored by other people in her community. It bring a sense of hope to them that they could talk with abraham and feel that they were needed. Feeling needed is an important aspect of human needs. We need support from each other.
A symbolic gesture I could think of is like what Tevor had said, a hand shake. But not a "Painful" squeezing handshake of course!
Regarding your answer to the question about going "from hostility to hospitality": storytelling can be very helpful in that (a) it allows each party to express their views, rather than each party simply making assumptions about the other, and (b) it allows each party to see the other as human. often, storytelling on its own can completely re-frame a conflict, because we often make incorrect assumptions about the motivations of the other.
Thanks for your thoughtful analysis!
I look forward to this discussion. Thank you, Emily for these questions.
1) Why is this? 4:30- One of the reasons that the "third side" encircles both sides can be found in William's words. "The secret to peace...is us who act as the surrounding community around any conflict who can play a constructive role."
3) What does this mean to you? 5:04&5:22- William said, "it's very easy to lose perspective" so to me going "to the balcony" means getting both sides to think why they want to resolve their conflict.
4) Can you think of a real-life example where you saw this idea in action? - To be honest I cannot think of one real-life example to give, but if one comes up I will be sure to add it later.
5) How do you think that stories can affect conflict, both positively and negatively? 7:54&7:57- In order for me to answer this question I took a closer look to what Mr. William said. He said, "Stories matter... Stories are what we use to transmit knowledge." I am compelled to tell the reader that a stories can either be true or false or both true and false. In my opinion to take at face value a story is to put "truth" out of the equation. If a story cannot be proven to be true it can negatively affect conflict. If a story can be proven to be true then it has a positive effect. For this allows a clear examination of the facts for those in charge to resolve the conflict.
6) Why? - If the story is false, but a resolution is agree upon both sides leave a back door open for the conflict to rise again.
7) How does physical positioning impact the emotional/communicative dynamics of relationships? 10:47- Mr. William enlightens us with the real power of walking. He does so by indicating that some people walk side by side and at the same time they are moving they are going in the same direction. This is as far as I will go in answering this question, thank you.
8) How can you go "from hostility to hospitality" in regard to conflicts in your own life? - The key in my opinion is to have a conversation. If one is able to have a conversation then the next step is to ask questions. When this is possible be a good to listener, this will bring you closer to hospitality.
9) How does the Abrahamic walk create change within communities? 12:46- Mr. William tells us that when "you go into these villages in the Middle East...you get the most amazing hospitality, all associated with Abraham." Mr. William goes on to say that many do this in the name of Abraham for to them Abraham is still alive or "a living presence" as he calls it. Mr. William give example of others doing or going on this "Abrahamic walk/run" to bring different communities together.
10) What are other symbolic gestures that can positively impact relations? 14:05- Mr. William calls it "this ideal of Abrahamic hospitality of kindness towards strangers."
Thanks, Joshua! You make a good point about storytelling and truth - sometimes it doesn't matter whether the stories we tell ourselves are "true" or "false;" the stories are important because of the emotions they stir within us. This would be a great topic to bring up in your chat group, and I would love to hear what you all come up with!
In the video William talks about the vital work of the "third side" in the mediation of conflicts, and I think this is a great idea, since a third side -as long as it objectively-, provides a new perspective. It's like a confessor, to which the other parties talk about their views, and therefore this third party can find common ground.
The fact that both parties look to the balcony indicates who they look into a different reality from a higher point of view. I love this metaphor, since it is similar to that of "forest obscures the trees." If you just look at it from your shoes, will be very difficult to understand the other point of view.
As for the differences between face-to-face and shoulder-shoulder, "I think that has a physical connotation through non-verbal language, nonverbal expressions that play a key role in relationships and communication, also has a metaphorical symbol, The shoulder always has connotations of support (mourn, support, friendship, so on). It also emphasizes that this action must be in parallel, not in front or behind the other.
One of the ways that I personally use to manage conflict is emotional intelligence, requires an education to understand the emotions that you are going at that time, about what is happening with the other person. I believe that a personal and emotional knowledge is essential to get to first understand the situation. Then to focus on the empathy to put yourself in the shoes of others and see their point of view.
The Abrahamic walk works, like many things, thanks to the people, not government agencies. There is an absence of bureaucracy and politics and simply a better awareness on the settlement of the conflict. Also meets the above step, we should to put into the shoes of others and see the life from their point of view, deleting malformed senses and borders.
The post can be viewed in my personal journal for the course also: http://david-palomar.blogspot.com/
Regards
David
David, you make great use of metaphors here, and I can tell you have a deep understanding of some of Ury's main concepts. I like how you discussed the symbolism of the shoulder as a means of support, in addition to pointing out the importance of non-verbal communication/body language. You are right-on in your discussion of empathy - I think that is one of the most important skills in conflict resolution. Nice work!
I think the third side encircles the other two sides because it is empathetic to them and is striving for a win-win situation.
I think going to the balcony is taking a break from the heat of the discussion to reflect on where there is common ground. I see an example of this in the seating plan of Democrats and republicans during the State of The Union Address by the President. In this case they mingled temporarily setting aside their differences to reflect on common ground.
Stories matter because they are an important part of the whole - each individual story. They serve to illustrate the point in a very human way. WE can all identify with stories no matter our point of view. Yes stories matter.
Positioning is also very important as face to face seems to posture towards confrontation and shoulder to shoulder seems to share common ground with the hope that the individuals can work together in a non threating way to overcome differences.
Going from hostility to hospitality in my own life is difficult. I had a major dispute with my sister during the settlement of my mother's estate. I believe it is based on a misunderstanding and I regret I did not correct this misunderstanding when it happened. I thought it was trivial and now it has blown out of proportion. I have and will continue to extend hospitality to my sister should she chose to accept and I hope she does. I have hope.
The Abrahamic walk symbolizes that it can be done. Communities are proving it. There is hope. Again another example of this type of symbolism is the seating (Democrat beside Republican) during the State of The Union Address by Obamha.
Frank, I like how you are applying concepts from Ury's talk to things you observe in the world. Physical positioning definitely matters, and mixing opposing political parties together is a great way to temporarily alleviate the amount of division between the two, and might even get them to talk to each other on a human level. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with conflict - family disputes can be very challenging and traumatic, and it seems that we often become divided at the times when we need each other most. Maybe some of the resources in our course will provide you with new ways to approach the situation, or at least help you to understand it better. Either way, I hope you and your sister are able to reconcile your differences!
1. The "third side" encircles both the other two sides to represent the community(us) around the two waring sides. The encircling means that the solution to the conflict is actually within reach. The third side is quite visible and within reach for the two sides for the solution of their conflict. Also, the encircling represents the perspectiveness of the conflict. While each of the two sides can only have a single-handed perspective of the conflict and stick to its judgement, the third side is able to anlayse circumstances for both sides and come up with a give and take solution of the conflict.
2. Help parties to go to the balcony: Means the parties to come out of their individual confictions and stands for a flesh reflection of the conflict. Bring the two sides into a different perspective of the conflict. Help the parties to start from a common understanding/ground of the conflict. It has personally happened to me and wife. There was a standoff untill we were in a situation of communication cut-off. Our two kids played the 3rd side. We still needed to discuss on their school work(home work), gradually this broke the communication stand-off.
3. Stories reveal out how and why we are here and bring into the fore the commonalities between the two sides. The commonalities can either uncover positive elements or vice versa which will affect either positively of negatively to conflict resolution
4. Naturally, face-to-face communicates confrontation while side-by-side or shoulder-by-shoulder communicates equality or respect i.e nobody is in danger/threatened.
5. Hostility to Hospitality: Within my own life, is to agree, accept and develop a give and take attitute for any conflict affecting me.
6. Abrahamic walk changes communities as this reminds them of what the community originally stood for irrespective of the social-economic changes that have taken place and led them to conflicts. It creats an "after all, who are we" emotionally drives communities to accept each other.
3.
Tom, I love that you brought up how your kids play the "third side" - I saw a similar situation on a TV show recently! The mere presence of children often helps to mitigate a fight between parents, who do not want to fight in front of their kids. I like how you point out that storytelling can bring up differences as well as similarities - sometimes in mediation, the storytelling step leads the parties to realize that their goals are not mutually exclusive, and they can each get what they want after all!
Hi everybody,
Can we use the political conflict in Ivory Coast as a case study in this discussion. Two sides have reached a stand-off on who is the democratically elected president.
Tom, that's a great idea. I encourage everyone to use your chat groups (and these discussion forums) to discuss current events that relate to your discussions. There is a lot of conflict going on right now in the world, and it's always helpful to have real-life scenarios to which we can apply everything that we are learning. Please keep in mind that we are a diverse community, and some of these topics need to be approached with a great deal of sensitivity!
I think it's a great ides to use a case study - 'a story'.
On the physical positioning topic; I think having everyone at the same physical level is crucial. As we all know more than 80% of communication is conveyed through body language so ensuring everyone is at the same level, levels the Plainfield.
Joe, body language and other forms of non-verbal communication are definitely key. I am currently taking a course on communication at school, and I am amazed at all the ways in which we can communicate - even through smell!
On another note, it looks like you've been working hard on your blog - thanks for sharing! (For those who are interested, you can access Joe's blog through the discussion entitled "Ladies and Gentlemen, Start Your Journals!")
HI there, instead of starting the discussion on a second "story", we should try to do more work around the Ury video and the statements on there. For me, there is more truth in and it needs more & deeper discussion around humar behaviour and feeling. "third Site" and "the balcony" for me are more or less symbols for having a kind of meta comunication, going from feelings and personal concernment to "lets look what the problem is", the problem is sitting on the other side of the table and we both on the opposite site. For me all the analogies Ury uses are linked with that "how to look on a problem/conflict", to find out what was the starting point of the conflict. This leads to the "shoulder to shoulder" picture. The type of communication which is used in such situations is key for me. We need a nonviolent communication to give all parties a chance to express theier feelings , their fears and hopes and to take them as serious as possible to find a way out of a conflict. All this is, for me, hidden behind the ideas & pictures Ury offers to us in his speach.
Juergen, you are absolutely right that Ury's talk is full of great concepts that merit quite a bit of discussion - I am excited to hear how everyone's chat groups are going, and all the great discussions you're having! I like your use of the term "meta communication" - I think it's a good description of how the "balcony" functions. Are you very familiar with non-violent communication? This is one of my favorite concepts that I've learned so far in my studies of conflict resolution - we'll be focusing on it during week 3 of the course.
William Ury is always interesting in presenting ideas in negotiation. His ideas on conflict resolution - the three ideas he left us at the end of the video - are equally interesting and useful. I find them practical. Following lists my thoughts on the questions posted.
In his talk, Ury talks about the difference between face-to-face confrontation and shoulder-to-shoulder communication. How does physical positioning impact the emotional/communicative dynamics of relationships?
• Body language both can facilitate building relationships and can jeopardize building of relationships. People tend to be influence more by body language than by verbal language especially when body language projects a more negative message than the words used.
• Face-to-face triggers the defensive mechanism in most people while shoulder-to-shoulder, most times, is treated as comradeship – who fights each other standing side by side? We do that face to face.
How can you go "from hostility to hospitality" in regard to conflicts in your own life?
• Take a walk in the other party’s shoes; repeat their steps. Understanding them.
• We take the first move to offer our "hospitality”. People tend to reciprocate our behavior - hostile or hospitable.
How does the Abrahamic walk create change within communities? What are other symbolic gestures that can positively impact relations?
• The “walkers”, in a way, have created a community of their own. This community is one that has one common interest, one common identity. Walkers have something in common – follow the path and complete the Abrahamic walk. Relationship can be built on common interest or common ground.
• Ury mentioned economics across the path. One strong means to unite people – common economy/economics.
Joe, you make a great point about reciprocation - I agree with you that people tend to behave in reaction to the way in which they're approached, so if we approach others with hospitality, we are more likely to receive hospitality in turn. Many cultures around the world are "reciprocal," so I think this can be more or less universally applied. I like how you said that the people who participate in Abrahamic walks create a community of their own - so even if people from different groups are participating, they're all participating together and are able to relate on that level. Here's a great resource for more information on identity that you might find interesting: http://beyondintractability.org/user_guides/identity_conflicts/?nid=5306...
My response to the walk from no to yes:
http://josephzaarour.wordpress.com/category/conflict-resolution/
William Ury starts his presentation with stories and the truth about peace.He also told about how different groups were able to resolve their conflicts and the methods they used.
Talking about the third party,he tells how their involvement can help in solving the conflict if they take a neutral ground.Going to the balcony is like being in the building but not inside the room,because you can get a clearer view of your surroundings better from the balcony than you would inside the house.I like the use of that term,because you can be in a conflict and refuse to limit your perspective on it,by deciding to see the issue from a diferent point of view.Recently i had a conflict with a someone very dear to me,when i told my mother and a very good friend about it,they sent me to the balcony,despite the fact i brought the complain but without hearing from the other party,they simply assumed the third side and eventually i saw their point.I was taken aback,i decided to let go of whatever has caused the conflict and try to be hospitable rather than hostile.
Stories i think affect conflicts positively more than negatively.When people share stories of how a particular conflict was resolved it helps give you an insight on how to resolve similar conflict in future.It also helps you understand that some people some where have been where you are and were able to make peace because they saw what was involved if they continued to disagree.Situations where stories affect conflicts negatively i believe is rare,but when the wrong choice of words are used,it can affect the conflict negatively,so while you try to use stories to resolve your conflict,choose your story and words carefully.
By standing face-to-face with your opposing party you tend to focus more on them and all your attention is geared towards knowing what else they will say or do and how you are going to respond in order to inflict the desired hurt.Like Wliiam rightly said they feel threatened and they put up their defense.When you walk side by side,your attentions shift from one another.You focus more on your surrounding,the journey might seem endless but the desire to stop might not be there.As they walk in the same direction,they are looking forward to arriving at a common destination,peace.
In my life,going from hostility to hospitality has been difficult especially when you are the one that is wronged and you decide to forgive and make peace but your gesture is not reciprocated.It is said that the first person that makes a move towards making peace in a conflict is the matured one,so being the matured one might hurt as often you have your kindness thrown back at your face but when you have a goal in mind,with time your will achieve the much desired peace.
The Abrahamic walk has helped communities realise the importance of treating strangers as friends.Because even when they do not have the best of intentions your simple act of kindness can soften their heart.It has helped change the game from hostility to hospitality.It has changed the frame by creating a common identity and economy.
Lastly,making a conscious decision to always treat the other person as you would want to be treated can go a long way in reducing conflict as well as solving them when they eventually come.
Oby, you make a great point about the importance of clear communication - even when we mean well, using the wrong words can often create big problems! I like your symbolic reading of walking shoulder-to-shoulder - walking together towards peace. That's very inspiring!
It can certainly be very frustrating to feel like your efforts at conciliation are unappreciated. We will be discussing nonviolent communication during week 3, and hopefully this will provide you with some helpful skills for not only expressing your own needs, but also for learning to read what other people say in terms of NVC.
My respond will reference a bit on our week 1 reading on human needs and conflict escalation as well as the Little Rock gang war videos.
__3rd side__
• As Ury mentioned, it reminds the party at what’s really at stake.
• Help prevent conflict escalation by grounding the discussion to what’s really the problem
• Preventing conflict escalation by keeping the discussion civil, discourage the use of heavy tactics, and pull the party apart when the conflict is about to escalate
• Function like a middle person, as ZM L mentioned, removes the party and listen to their individual request and/or needs
• Ury’s example of the African tribe, they send people off to cool down when needed.
__Balcony__
• Place of perspective
• As many of you have already mentioned, it allows the conflicting parties understand each other’s problem.
• Having a birds-eye view on the situation as a whole.
• Better chance of finding common ground.
__Story__
• Story is passed on from generations, they ground us to an origin, gives us an identity.
• We need to experience and live the same story for ourselves so can be better connected to our past. By doing so we can pass it to the next generation.
• Stories feed many of our innate human needs. We know the community we belong in by the common stories we share.
• As mentioned, stories give us a direction, and likewise if the story puts us off course it can be very difficult to redirect ourselves. In the Little Rock gang war videos, they interviewed an inmate that killed someone at the age of 9 because he was told it`s okay in his community; it`s accepted, and that everyone does it. Other than peer pressure, he`s hearing all these stories from people in his hood that echoed the same message… of course he`s going to go on living these stories, making his own, and passing them on.
__Shoulder-to-shoulder__
• As Ury mentioned, when we walk, we walk side by side in common direction.
• When we`re fighting, we`re often in each other`s faces.
• As many of you have mentioned, body language is very important. It sets a tone and can definitely change the result of a conversation.
• This is a powerful analogy because once we recognize we`re in a conflicted situation, we need to find a way to start walking side-by-side and listening to what the other person is saying so we can walk in a common direction.
__Hostility to Hospitality__
• As Joe Wong mentioned, understanding the other party and taking the first move to offer hospitality is key in changing the relationship. By changing the way we interact, say being more hospitable, others will react in a similar way.
• Relating this to the Little Rock gang war videos, when the store owner was held at gun-point, his first instinct was to grab his gun and shoot. Now if those kids were to just enter the store to buy a drink, they would`ve most likely came out alive. It`s no one`s fault, but it`s instinctive how we react to things. Being forced to react in a split second, the store owner felt there`s no choice but to shoot.
__Abraham Walk__
• As Ury mentioned, it`s symbolic because it connects all 10 countries and unites them all.
• It also brings people out of their comfort zone by placing them in a foreign land, foreign culture, and foreign tongue.
• This reminded me when I was in Italy doing a short term field school there. People try to understand you, if you try to communicate to them. I used as much 100 level Italian I`ve learned and the people have been so open to me… it`s amazing. I`m sure this is true everywhere, and like resolving a conflict, I must be humble and work very hard in understanding what they`re saying to me so that I can respond appropriately.
Rei, it seems like you have an excellent understanding of the importance of identity and the way in which we form our identities. I'm taking a class about identity and conflict in school right now, and we have been using this great website as a resource: http://beyondintractability.org/user_guides/identity_conflicts/?nid=5306...
I like how you shared your experience in Italy - it seems that people are often very willing to help each other to get past language barriers, but we are often less willing to try to understand each other in other ways. I wonder why that is?
Thank you Emily for taking time out of your life to teach this course. I apprecaite it and have learned alot already.
Here are my responses to the questions for week 1.
Q1. On Ury's diagram of the sides of conflict, the "third side" encircles both the other two sides. Why is this? How does this relationship contribute to the success of the "third side" in conflict resolution?
A1. Ury’s diagram illustrates while 2 parties may be actively engaged in the conflict there is always a third side to consider, (friends, family or citizens), and they can and will suffer if negotiations are not successful. If people in a conflict can be reminded of that third side and really understand that it is not only them at risk, people may realize that they have a responsibility to not only themselves, and remain at the negotiating table.
Q2. Ury says "the role of the third side is to help the parties go to the balcony." What does this mean to you? Can you think of a real-life example where you saw this idea in action?
A2. In my opinion “go to the balcony” means to keep things in perspective and respect the great responsibility one has not only to themselves but others. My example relates to Israeli/Palestine conflict, and I take no sides here. Some third party members have taken it upon themselves to start a telephone group, called Saalam - Shalome (hello is Arabic and Hebrew), the purpose is to connect with each other, and get to know one another as people who want peace. There are countless examples of Palestinians and Israeli’s going to the balcony. If this news made it to Canada, I have to believe it has had some effect, or at least been noticed by the governments of both sides.
Q3. Ury says "stories matter." How do you think that stories can affect conflict, both positively and negatively? Why?
A3 The right story can certainly have a positive effect. Unfortunately we can never know someone’s experiences so a story may, for reasons we’ll never understand, inflame some people.
Q4. In his talk, Ury talks about the difference between face-to-face confrontation and shoulder-to-shoulder communication. How does physical positioning impact the emotional/communicative dynamics of relationships?
A4. The point Ury raises about going for a walk is simple but amazing. The physical activity is a good way to relieve tension in the body as well. There is nothing confrontational about being side to side, no threat or reason to fear. You walk side by side with your friends and allies.
Q5. How can you go "from hostility to hospitality" in regard to conflicts in your own life?
A5. Reflection is key. Once anger and negative relations have been felt, it usually takes a greater effort to establish hospitable relations, trust must be earned. I find it also helps to try and see things from the other person’s perspective. Another thing I find with myself, is that often, in the heat of a moment, I lose sight of what is really bothering me, sometimes it has nothing to do with anyone else.
Q6. How does the Abrahamic walk create change within communities? What are other symbolic gestures that can positively impact relations?
A6/ It helps to understand how another person/culture lives, to try to put ourselves in another’s shoes. We may not agree on many things, but at the core of all of us, no matter what race, religion etc. we are all of the same family and have the same needs and desires.
I certainly plan to apply these thoughts and tools to my real life and work.
Melanie, I'm glad to hear that you found this video interesting and helpful! I love how you applied "going to the balcony" to the Israel/Palestine conflict and pointed out that there are more than two sides to the conflict. Large-scale international conflicts such as this are rarely as simple as they are often reported in the news, and it's inspiring to learn that there are people from both sides who are working together to bridge their differences.
I blieve that there is always 3 sides to a situation. Your side, their side and the whole side which is both sides together.
If one can withdraw themselves from the core of the issues and place themselves outside, looking in...you have that third side:that balcony.
It allows you to see the bigger picture, dropping all personal attachments and allows you to see it from a larger perspective.
Stories matter because they are an aspect in which you relate, connect to so if a story can be presented in such a way to another that is conceivable, then greater understanding is possible.
Tonality and body language will and can often set a mood or reaction in motion so to be aware of your own tonality and body language can give you a subtle influence towards the conflict at hand.
If one really listens, acknowledges and shows validation to another, then they may be more willing to listen to you, calmly.
Walk a mile in their shoes, show respect and patience to their concerns and show that you are willing to be in their shows shows that you are willing to be their neighbor and not their enemy, thus creating that Abrahamic walk
I hate to be the one that bursts the joy bubble here but don't you think - just for a second - this theory might sound like a cliché or a déjà-vu?
The simplistic approach of introducing a third party or metaphorically taking a walk on the balcony – I mean this has been around for quite a while and I wonder if any conflict is actually resolved or resolved faster simply by the introduction of a third party or a walk on the balcony so to speak.
With all due respect to the author and to his theory, But is Ury trying to convince us that he is able to solve conflicts by simply introducing a third party or walk on the balcony and by referring to Abraham as the common denominator for a deep-rooted, Centuries old, geopolitical, regional, international, high value $$, high impact, and resource-packed region conflict. I mean let’s be realistic! How about moving from the theoretical realm and get real just for a while. The more we start taking concrete real-life examples the flatter the learning curve gets. I know we have to start at a 30000 feet view but still...
I think we should choose a real case conflict and evaluate the steps taken by parties 1, 2 & 3 and asses their impact.
Take a step back and think along the lines of: Who introduces this third party? What are its objectives? motives? What legitimacy does it bring to the table? Is it credible? Is it completely neutral with no interests what so ever? No direct or indirect benefits? No religious, cultural, or economic points to gain?
I can name tens of conflicts where the third party does nothing but complicate things and introduce new stakeholders ($) to an already messy tangled web of emotions, needs, perceptions and false hope… OR actually solves the conflict but at what and who’s expense??? Something or someone has to give…
My 2cents worth… ( is this a text book example of someone feeding off his emotions in conflict resolution :) or am I making any sense to anyone?)Thanks!
jz
Hi Joe, I think you raise some very important points on the motives and intensions of the third party. What I liked about the outcome of the gang issues in little rock was that the coroner's vested interest was to see a reduction in the killings. The other parties were too involved in action and reaction to step back and see what was happening, let alone have a vision or intension to change the current behaviour.
Hi Joe, I also agree with Julie that you've raised important points. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that you're quite focused on corporate type conflict resolution. I myself have not been in a conflict situation in a large corporation, and I'm sure in those cases everyone has a hidden agenda.
However, to respond to your questioning about Ury's theory and whether it works, I believe it does. I've been trying to use myself as a 3rd side in conflicts between my roommates (yup, lets start small and close to home). I found time to approach them one-on-one and listened to their arguments. I then try to help find what their needs are and used non-judgmental wording to remind them of the greater picture (balcony) while talking to them. Lastly, I suggest some possible solutions that fits their needs and to recover the relationship. Yes, it went really well, but then again, it's just a small quarrel at home.
*On Ury's diagram of the sides of conflict, the "third side" encircles both the other two sides. Why is this? How does this relationship contribute to the success of the "third side" in conflict resolution?
>>Because the 3rd side must listen to both parties, in that way, he would have both points of view, so in the case they don’t listen to each other, the third side should explain to them what the other one demands or wants, or even better, the 3rd side should make them understand each other, so they can negotiate or walk together.
*Ury says "the role of the third side is to help the parties go to the balcony." What does this mean to you? Can you think of a real-life example where you saw this idea in action?
>>For me, it means that, the third side, as an external party, doesn’t have or at least it shouldn’t have a preferred side, so he can “talk” to each side to at least acknowledge what the other side point of view is, and even better seeing the problems from an external point of view, meaning that, “Going to the balcony”. In a real-life example I’m going to put any war, both parties think they have the reason but who really suffers is, in this case, one of the third sides that we can find, the people between (another one could be the other countries and associations, etc.), they must demand a negotiation, there’re a lot of ways of doing it, but that’s not the point, they must force the parties to “go to the balcony”.
*Ury says "stories matter." How do you think that stories can affect conflict, both positively and negatively? Why?
>>Like Ury says stories impact people, and many people believes more in stories than in promises, so this is a good way to transmit knowledge and even better, to transmit hope.
*In his talk, Ury talks about the difference between face-to-face confrontation and shoulder-to-shoulder communication. How does physical positioning impact the emotional/communicative dynamics of relationships?
>>I tried to think something for this one, but man, this is out of my reach.
*How can you go "from hostility to hospitality" in regard to conflicts in your own life?
>>Instead of reacting in a defensive way, try to see the other ones points of view, trying to comprehend their motivations, their worries, etc. Seeing the conflict in that way, you can work it out together.
*How does the Abrahamic walk create change within communities? What are other symbolic gestures that can positively impact relations?
>>The first of all, it brought development for people who had a business based on tourism or in basic needs, which is one of the benefits of tourism, and because of the atmosphere that has the Abrahimic walk, it helps to create a helpful attitude on the people.
Hi all.Sorry for the late response .
Ury's speech was great to give us overview of what's going on conflicts ;causes,results and suggestions to resolve them .Actually i found the speech is likely to be an inspiration to get involved in this course more than a practical method to solve conflicts .
As i believe conflicts need wisdom in making decisions , and also conflicts always in demand to a responsible leaders.
* "the third side" in conflict ,Ury's mentioned about the third side in conflict ,that side are mediation part ,people who can see the conflict from another angle .This third side is a reminder for the two's sides of conflict about how the conflict can effect there life and all around .Because in the conflict people really stick on their ideas ,thinking one will win and other should loose .The role of thirds side comes here to take this conflict into reconciliation ,parties will think differently from "the balcony" ,in that all will win
* "Stories matter" : Yes,that's true ,we all learn from stories .Simply our life is formed from experience we have taken and manners we have absorbed from all around us. That's why stories play an important role is conflict ,always it's the best way to solve conflict ,is to understand prior situations and old stories ,understand also people reactions ,absolutely solution is hidden within stories .
* "face to face" vs."shoulder to shoulder" :Here is Ury mentioned about good way to communicate with people ;either face to face and that cause fighting, the other which is the best "shoulder to shoulder" in that there is more understanding and respect , walk side by side to reach to a common interest .
* How to go from hostility to hospitality ? I think relaxing can play a perfect role to relieve on human mood ,so absolutely can help in all life situation . I can g from hostility to hospitality easily by learning about people i have met and communicate with them .As Ury said we are a reaction machine i also add ;we are a reflection machine ,all our actions come from what we have learned from family,culture and environment surrounds us. "Abraham walk" is away to to come close to people from various places and build a good relation with them .
Thanks